Do I Really Want to Be in that Energy?

A Simple Shift in Perception Can Save Time and Stress

A man skips down a town road —photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash.

Have you ever helped someone out when something inside you said no? Next time, save time and stress by asking yourself: "Do I really want to be in that energy?" Read on to learn how my husband's situation demonstrated the use of this self-care question. 

My adult son had come home for Easter weekend. My husband and I lightly fought over him like he was five. We both wanted to spend time with him.

"Okay, I got him for a bike ride."

"I'll get him next to play golf."

With that settled, my son and I rode bikes along A1A, using a sidewalk stretching from Flagler Beach to Ormond Beach. Imagine a bright Florida day, an ocean breeze, and the sound of ocean waves. 

We peddled past a turtle as cars and motorcycles drove past us, finally stopping and crossing our bikes to the beach crossover. 

After parking our bikes, we stopped on the crossover, enjoying an expansive view of sand and surf.

"Dad received a phone call from the coordinator to referee a track and field meet today," I shared. “Dad said no. He worked the meet yesterday and, at the last minute, stayed to referee more events that weren't on his schedule. Dad didn't mind but said the event wasn’t well organized.”

I flicked back to the memory of my husband coming home from the meet. He told me the coordinator kept asking if he was working the meet the next day. He repeatedly reminded him that he was not. 

"The coordinator wasn't actively listening," I responded then. "My guess: stress."

I continued with my son. “Then, today, the call. The coordinator asked Dad why he wasn't at the field. Dad reminded him again he was not on the schedule.

'So you are not coming in?' the coordinator asked."

I had been watching the whole conversation take place in the kitchen. The situation concerned me. What would the coordinator do if my husband didn’t work?

But with fresh eyes and a drop of insight that filled me like a tall glass of water, I knew my husband had said the right thing. After he hung up, my husband turned to me and said, "I am not worried about it."

"Dad was right to say no," I reflected with my son.

"Why, because it's the guy's responsibility for putting himself in that situation?" my son asked.

"No, that's not why. That still feels like judgment, doesn't it?" I reflected. "When we judge someone, we still don't feel good about the situation or ourselves for judging."

After a pause, I continued. 

"You’ve got to ask yourself, do I really want to be in that energy?" 

The question shifts your viewpoint from judging the person's behaviors to focusing on your self-care.

Do I really want to be in that energy?

I recalled my happy morning being temporarily ebbed by worry with that phone call.

My son nodded, and we took another view of the ocean before returning on the bikes to go home.

We step into situations because we love to help, desire to assist, and are open-hearted. My husband, for example, is quite generous. But, once we feel fried, overgiving, overextended, or not feeling good about a situation, it's time to notice the energy we put ourselves in. 

If my husband had gone, what would he have faced? I imagined needy energy and chaos on a day he wanted to be with family.

In similar situations, some may have felt inclined to provide an excuse for not participating. My husband didn't offer one, and I admired that.

"It doesn't work for me," he said, and that was all.

This was instead of saying, "My son is in town" or "I have to prepare for our Easter dinner." A response that would have tempted me.

Sharing additional information fosters open communication and enhances understanding. However, if the interaction is tricky, adding a justification may spur one down a rabbit hole of defense. (Can you imagine a counter-response such as "We only need you for one event.")

In a case like this, a simple and neutral response suffices, like my husband did. He just wasn't available to help. Can you sense the energy difference? I sensed the setting of a boundary that couldn’t be crossed.

"What about empathy?" some of you may ask.

Empathy has been my solid companion since childhood. It’s the first emotion I can actively recall, remembering how it washed over me on the school playground. Since then, empathy has traveled with me on a successful career journey.

Empathy is good.

Yet, so are boundaries. 

Remembering we each have our own journey may help set boundaries. 

Recalling this, we can happily mind our own business. All energy doesn't have to be our energy.

Conclusion:

We are being discerning, not judgmental.

Ask, "Do I really want to be in that energy?"

From my experience, the more aware we are of what energy we are willing to take on and set boundaries on what energy we are not willing to take in, the more satisfied we'll be in daily life.

We love empathy, but empathy with boundaries means we also love self-care.